God is Good

It has been months since I have last blogged. Raising two children is all encompassing and for some, more than they can handle. I love my girls but most of my energy goes into them, and I have very little left for myself. Ricardo and I should be divorced soon I hope. Shortly after our ten year anniversary. I am looking forward to this as I realize how depressed I was with him. I understand we cannot look for others to make us happy but we can look to our spouses to lift us up, encourage and love us. I got none of that and I understand now what it takes to make a marriage work. I would have stayed and fought harder if I thought my husband had a heart. I will work on being a good partner for the sake of our children only. I call it fake nice. When dealing with a narcissist you have to be fake nice or they will run you over. I do not want to deny the girls a meaningful and lasting experience with their father. I encourage it while I can. When they are older they can make their own decisions.

I feel more alive and happy today than I have in a long long time. Perhaps I shoud have had the sense not to marry Ricardo. Well, then Raquel and Eva and Adian and Owen would not be here today so it was meant to be I believe for the birth of those children. I believe God has a plan and that is all I need right now. I have not even begun to get into all of the juicey stuff yet.

The Cranberries - Ode To My Family '95

Changing of the tide

Well I am slowly coming back to life. I don't want to jump the gun here; but, I am feeling a little bit more hopeful about my future these days. And that is what it is, Mine. He gets after me all the time about finding a job. My oldest is six and youngest is almost three. I feel so lucky to have stayed home with them this long. I do work part-time at the youngest one's preschool. I only recently started doing this to help me emotionally. According to my ex, I will call him Flotchy for now on, our marriage took a turn for the worst because I was depressed. I was depressed because I was a stay at home mom. I realize now, I was depressed because I was married to a narcissistic, bipolar, sex addicted man. If you read about any or all of these you can get a picture of what I have lived with for eight plus years. Anyone would be drowning emotionally, dah! So just realizing that his actions caused me to feel this way is helping me get out of this emotional mess. Along with the emotional mess, he also created a financial mess that I have to swim out of as well. This is my focus now. I need to find a job that I enjoy and allows me to spend time with my girls. I need to pay off my debts. I need Suzy Orman!! He has the girls this afternoon so I can do some job hunting. I have a mission now.

Slowly resurfacing

It has been two years, I think, since I have felt like continuing my blog. My marriage has totally dissolved. I filed for divorce Summer of 2010 and hope to be divorced by Spring 2011. The last time I blogged my husband was dealing with a diagnosis of Bi Polar. Now I can add two more too the list. Sex addict and narcissist. He was diagnosed in the past year. Everything became much clearer and made since to me then. He also admitted to having committed adultery. He decided he wanted a divorce and that he is tired of taking any kind of medication. He moved out in August.
He is still very much apart of my life at this point. He spends time with the girls; he had pizza with us last night. Took the girls to church on Sunday. I am going to start blogging so I can let this all out and document everything.