My Heart Will Go On

There is something so liberating about blogging. I can write my darkest dirtiest secrets and put it out into the wide world of the internet but yet, no one knows me or probably reads it.

Sex after divorce rocks by the way.  It's not just good sex, it's sex you never knew was out there.  I never had a good sexual encounter with my Flotchy, Sure we had sex, maybe once I came or thought about it. We were two dysfunctional 30 somethings trying to please each other. Add no communication and the outcome sucks.

 After the divorce, I met a black God, BB  I'll call him.  He had me at hello muscles and charming smile.  We met at a party through friends and I was not looking to hook up.  A few beers later yep, on the back deck over looking a lake and his hands in my hair and around my waist and just all the fuck over me. I was done.

We didn't make love that night. We did start a friendship and sex followed until he moved away.  We haven't seen each other since but, damn, he opened up a world of good sex and more importantly, treated me like a queen.  I miss that guy, BB.  I miss you. My heart will go on thanks to you...

Long and Winding Road

I have lost myself even more over the past five years. Divorce is finalized. Alimony has come and gone. Many men have come and gone. Sex. A job or two. My dignity has gone. My two daughters and I live with my parents and I pray that there is an end in sight. It is not easy living with parents who treat you as the second best child. Don't get me wrong please, I am so grateful they have let me land here and rent free. I had no intention of staying this long, had no idea how hard it would
be to get back on my feet with two little girls who need me emotionally, physically and in every other way imaginable. Their dad has chosen to live in another state and while he sees them often, it is primarily up to me to raise them well and the pressure is there everyday, along with the guilt,  the loneliness.  So much so, the laughter and joy at times get hidden away by my worry and sadness that I cant seem to kick. And yes, I  have tried every antidepressant there is and then some,  I was born depressed and shy.  My earliest memories are of being shy and feeling like a loser, unlovable.

Living in the same house as my parents is hard,  It is hard to see them aging, It is hard being patient and kind when I don't want to be here, Repeating myself over and over, having eyes on me all of the time. I cannot stand having eyes on me and my lack of personal space is causing me to wither up and die.

I have spent the best part of the past four years in my bedroom. Sleeping, Eating, Masturbating. Sexting.  Looking for the part of me I lost in my life. I lost myself a long time ago, I realize now. Even before my divorce,  Before all of the casual and not so casual hook ups,  I lost myself the day my dad's friend wanted to take topless photos of me. I mean he is an artist so that must be OK, right?
We were all on a vacation together and sharing a condo for the week, I stepped out of the shower to dress with only a towel around me.  He asked if he could take a couple of photos of my breasts.
Who was I to say no, shy and timid I obliged.  I was 13 years old.

A part of me feels like I had been violated even as a younger child and thus a slut was born.

God is Good

It has been months since I have last blogged. Raising two children is all encompassing and for some, more than they can handle. I love my girls but most of my energy goes into them, and I have very little left for myself. Ricardo and I should be divorced soon I hope. Shortly after our ten year anniversary. I am looking forward to this as I realize how depressed I was with him. I understand we cannot look for others to make us happy but we can look to our spouses to lift us up, encourage and love us. I got none of that and I understand now what it takes to make a marriage work. I would have stayed and fought harder if I thought my husband had a heart. I will work on being a good partner for the sake of our children only. I call it fake nice. When dealing with a narcissist you have to be fake nice or they will run you over. I do not want to deny the girls a meaningful and lasting experience with their father. I encourage it while I can. When they are older they can make their own decisions.

I feel more alive and happy today than I have in a long long time. Perhaps I shoud have had the sense not to marry Ricardo. Well, then Raquel and Eva and Adian and Owen would not be here today so it was meant to be I believe for the birth of those children. I believe God has a plan and that is all I need right now. I have not even begun to get into all of the juicey stuff yet.

The Cranberries - Ode To My Family '95

Changing of the tide

Well I am slowly coming back to life. I don't want to jump the gun here; but, I am feeling a little bit more hopeful about my future these days. And that is what it is, Mine. He gets after me all the time about finding a job. My oldest is six and youngest is almost three. I feel so lucky to have stayed home with them this long. I do work part-time at the youngest one's preschool. I only recently started doing this to help me emotionally. According to my ex, I will call him Flotchy for now on, our marriage took a turn for the worst because I was depressed. I was depressed because I was a stay at home mom. I realize now, I was depressed because I was married to a narcissistic, bipolar, sex addicted man. If you read about any or all of these you can get a picture of what I have lived with for eight plus years. Anyone would be drowning emotionally, dah! So just realizing that his actions caused me to feel this way is helping me get out of this emotional mess. Along with the emotional mess, he also created a financial mess that I have to swim out of as well. This is my focus now. I need to find a job that I enjoy and allows me to spend time with my girls. I need to pay off my debts. I need Suzy Orman!! He has the girls this afternoon so I can do some job hunting. I have a mission now.

Slowly resurfacing

It has been two years, I think, since I have felt like continuing my blog. My marriage has totally dissolved. I filed for divorce Summer of 2010 and hope to be divorced by Spring 2011. The last time I blogged my husband was dealing with a diagnosis of Bi Polar. Now I can add two more too the list. Sex addict and narcissist. He was diagnosed in the past year. Everything became much clearer and made since to me then. He also admitted to having committed adultery. He decided he wanted a divorce and that he is tired of taking any kind of medication. He moved out in August.
He is still very much apart of my life at this point. He spends time with the girls; he had pizza with us last night. Took the girls to church on Sunday. I am going to start blogging so I can let this all out and document everything.

Making love out of nothing at all

Sunday, Jan 11, 2009
9:52 pm


Making love out of nothing at all- My theme song today

I am feeling very resentful and bitter today.

As usual, I have fallen into the good wife role. Making sure he eats, sleeps, has clean underwear, can find and take his medication and stays away from stressful conversations or events. Meaning the kids and me asking too many questions about anything. Or Needing him. This is easy for me, I am used to it. My oldest daughter craves her PaPi. He can give very little. I am slowly realizing, he has always given very little. A resent visit to my best friend's house confirmed this. Watching her husband with my kids was shocking. More loving and intimate than I have ever seen my husband be. Is he capable of this? Did I purposely seek our a mate that was not capable of intimacy?

His anxiety level has deceased a bit. He is sleeping less. I think the new anti psychotic medication is more tolerable. He still seems the same though, distant. He tried to keep busy with a couple of things today around the house.

Our floor in the living room and kitchen is uneven. It sags very little. We bought the house anyway. Not a big deal really. He bought equipment from Lowes to fix it. Went under the house and did whatever. He was set on attaching his ski patches onto his North Face ski jacket. This was very important. He left the ironing board out and a mess of water every where. He set the TV up in the bedroom so I can get all of the cable channels. I did not not ask him to do any of these things. These were all unnecessary, but I guess he needed to keep busy. I kept my mouth shut. He played video games. He kept to himself. I am not lonely. My two girls keep me busy and have been sleeping with me for three nights. And my cat Luna. I am in charge of the house now.

He took his medication at 8 and a sleeping pill. He acted like a drunk. He does not drink and has never been drunk so, this was a treat for me. I sent him to bed. He does not tolerate medications well.

As for me. Wow. For the first time in over a year I am turning on the radio,playing cds, listening to my i pod and writing. I have not written in a very long time- since years. I don't know if it is my new medication from the doctor or that I finally feel free. I have thought I have been depressed because of my children and an in ability to embrace motherhood. My husband has feed this belief into me for the past four years. More later. I know better now.

And my sex drive is back. That is a whole different story for later as well.