Making love out of nothing at all

Sunday, Jan 11, 2009
9:52 pm


Making love out of nothing at all- My theme song today

I am feeling very resentful and bitter today.

As usual, I have fallen into the good wife role. Making sure he eats, sleeps, has clean underwear, can find and take his medication and stays away from stressful conversations or events. Meaning the kids and me asking too many questions about anything. Or Needing him. This is easy for me, I am used to it. My oldest daughter craves her PaPi. He can give very little. I am slowly realizing, he has always given very little. A resent visit to my best friend's house confirmed this. Watching her husband with my kids was shocking. More loving and intimate than I have ever seen my husband be. Is he capable of this? Did I purposely seek our a mate that was not capable of intimacy?

His anxiety level has deceased a bit. He is sleeping less. I think the new anti psychotic medication is more tolerable. He still seems the same though, distant. He tried to keep busy with a couple of things today around the house.

Our floor in the living room and kitchen is uneven. It sags very little. We bought the house anyway. Not a big deal really. He bought equipment from Lowes to fix it. Went under the house and did whatever. He was set on attaching his ski patches onto his North Face ski jacket. This was very important. He left the ironing board out and a mess of water every where. He set the TV up in the bedroom so I can get all of the cable channels. I did not not ask him to do any of these things. These were all unnecessary, but I guess he needed to keep busy. I kept my mouth shut. He played video games. He kept to himself. I am not lonely. My two girls keep me busy and have been sleeping with me for three nights. And my cat Luna. I am in charge of the house now.

He took his medication at 8 and a sleeping pill. He acted like a drunk. He does not drink and has never been drunk so, this was a treat for me. I sent him to bed. He does not tolerate medications well.

As for me. Wow. For the first time in over a year I am turning on the radio,playing cds, listening to my i pod and writing. I have not written in a very long time- since years. I don't know if it is my new medication from the doctor or that I finally feel free. I have thought I have been depressed because of my children and an in ability to embrace motherhood. My husband has feed this belief into me for the past four years. More later. I know better now.

And my sex drive is back. That is a whole different story for later as well.