Under the Rug

Sat. Jan 10, 2009
2:52 am

I am trying to sleep but have too much running through my mind. I came home today on the advice of my husband's doctor. He is having a hard time adjusting to his new medication and to his new diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. He has fallen into a serious depression and was contemplating suicide. Since I have gotten home he is no longer having suicidal feelings, so far. I am still angry at him so he is banished to the back bedroom. I have my cat, Luna, and my two girls in bed with me tonight.

I was feeling very strong and hopeful on the trip home. Ready to face this mountain in the road. For four years I have been sweeping all of our dirt under the rug, not wanting to deal with many issues. Well no more! It is time to clean house, time to take the rug outside, beat it with a broom and inspect every bit of dirt under that rug.

My husband ( who has done one load of laundry and taken the trash out occasionally in the last four years) had actually taken down the Christmas tree, done about five loads of laundry and fixed a broken door. Well well, this is good. A step in the right direction. He seemed relieved to see us, hugged me and the girls. Told me his anxiety level upon us entering the house went from a 7 to a 9. He was in bad shape. It was time for his anti anxiety medication, we decided to up his dose a little. He was feeling restless and could not sleep. I suggested he take Henri for a walk.
The poor dog never gets walked. I was unpacking and playing with the girls when I heard the treadmill running. My husband had the leash on our dog and was making him walk on the treadmill. At a rather fast pace I might add. Not what I had in mind when I said take the dog for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny day. Get outside, get some fresh air! And I won't even go into detail about the underwear I found in the pocket of his 300 dollar coat.

He took his new lithium type medication and a sleeping pill and went to bed. I got up at 2:00 to make sure he was still in bed and not online. So far he is still asleep.

He is still in a very dark place, he told me. Unresponsive to the girls. This saddens me.

So I think I was ahead of myself, it is not time to get under the carpet yet. Just time to keep it clean on the surface until all of the dust has had time to settle.