Sunday, Jan 11, 2009
9:52 pm
Making love out of nothing at all- My theme song today
I am feeling very resentful and bitter today.
As usual, I have fallen into the good wife role. Making sure he eats, sleeps, has clean underwear, can find and take his medication and stays away from stressful conversations or events. Meaning the kids and me asking too many questions about anything. Or Needing him. This is easy for me, I am used to it. My oldest daughter craves her PaPi. He can give very little. I am slowly realizing, he has always given very little. A resent visit to my best friend's house confirmed this. Watching her husband with my kids was shocking. More loving and intimate than I have ever seen my husband be. Is he capable of this? Did I purposely seek our a mate that was not capable of intimacy?
His anxiety level has deceased a bit. He is sleeping less. I think the new anti psychotic medication is more tolerable. He still seems the same though, distant. He tried to keep busy with a couple of things today around the house.
Our floor in the living room and kitchen is uneven. It sags very little. We bought the house anyway. Not a big deal really. He bought equipment from Lowes to fix it. Went under the house and did whatever. He was set on attaching his ski patches onto his North Face ski jacket. This was very important. He left the ironing board out and a mess of water every where. He set the TV up in the bedroom so I can get all of the cable channels. I did not not ask him to do any of these things. These were all unnecessary, but I guess he needed to keep busy. I kept my mouth shut. He played video games. He kept to himself. I am not lonely. My two girls keep me busy and have been sleeping with me for three nights. And my cat Luna. I am in charge of the house now.
He took his medication at 8 and a sleeping pill. He acted like a drunk. He does not drink and has never been drunk so, this was a treat for me. I sent him to bed. He does not tolerate medications well.
As for me. Wow. For the first time in over a year I am turning on the radio,playing cds, listening to my i pod and writing. I have not written in a very long time- since years. I don't know if it is my new medication from the doctor or that I finally feel free. I have thought I have been depressed because of my children and an in ability to embrace motherhood. My husband has feed this belief into me for the past four years. More later. I know better now.
And my sex drive is back. That is a whole different story for later as well.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Under the Rug
Sat. Jan 10, 2009
2:52 am
I am trying to sleep but have too much running through my mind. I came home today on the advice of my husband's doctor. He is having a hard time adjusting to his new medication and to his new diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. He has fallen into a serious depression and was contemplating suicide. Since I have gotten home he is no longer having suicidal feelings, so far. I am still angry at him so he is banished to the back bedroom. I have my cat, Luna, and my two girls in bed with me tonight.
I was feeling very strong and hopeful on the trip home. Ready to face this mountain in the road. For four years I have been sweeping all of our dirt under the rug, not wanting to deal with many issues. Well no more! It is time to clean house, time to take the rug outside, beat it with a broom and inspect every bit of dirt under that rug.
My husband ( who has done one load of laundry and taken the trash out occasionally in the last four years) had actually taken down the Christmas tree, done about five loads of laundry and fixed a broken door. Well well, this is good. A step in the right direction. He seemed relieved to see us, hugged me and the girls. Told me his anxiety level upon us entering the house went from a 7 to a 9. He was in bad shape. It was time for his anti anxiety medication, we decided to up his dose a little. He was feeling restless and could not sleep. I suggested he take Henri for a walk.
The poor dog never gets walked. I was unpacking and playing with the girls when I heard the treadmill running. My husband had the leash on our dog and was making him walk on the treadmill. At a rather fast pace I might add. Not what I had in mind when I said take the dog for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny day. Get outside, get some fresh air! And I won't even go into detail about the underwear I found in the pocket of his 300 dollar coat.
He took his new lithium type medication and a sleeping pill and went to bed. I got up at 2:00 to make sure he was still in bed and not online. So far he is still asleep.
He is still in a very dark place, he told me. Unresponsive to the girls. This saddens me.
So I think I was ahead of myself, it is not time to get under the carpet yet. Just time to keep it clean on the surface until all of the dust has had time to settle.
2:52 am
I am trying to sleep but have too much running through my mind. I came home today on the advice of my husband's doctor. He is having a hard time adjusting to his new medication and to his new diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. He has fallen into a serious depression and was contemplating suicide. Since I have gotten home he is no longer having suicidal feelings, so far. I am still angry at him so he is banished to the back bedroom. I have my cat, Luna, and my two girls in bed with me tonight.
I was feeling very strong and hopeful on the trip home. Ready to face this mountain in the road. For four years I have been sweeping all of our dirt under the rug, not wanting to deal with many issues. Well no more! It is time to clean house, time to take the rug outside, beat it with a broom and inspect every bit of dirt under that rug.
My husband ( who has done one load of laundry and taken the trash out occasionally in the last four years) had actually taken down the Christmas tree, done about five loads of laundry and fixed a broken door. Well well, this is good. A step in the right direction. He seemed relieved to see us, hugged me and the girls. Told me his anxiety level upon us entering the house went from a 7 to a 9. He was in bad shape. It was time for his anti anxiety medication, we decided to up his dose a little. He was feeling restless and could not sleep. I suggested he take Henri for a walk.
The poor dog never gets walked. I was unpacking and playing with the girls when I heard the treadmill running. My husband had the leash on our dog and was making him walk on the treadmill. At a rather fast pace I might add. Not what I had in mind when I said take the dog for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny day. Get outside, get some fresh air! And I won't even go into detail about the underwear I found in the pocket of his 300 dollar coat.
He took his new lithium type medication and a sleeping pill and went to bed. I got up at 2:00 to make sure he was still in bed and not online. So far he is still asleep.
He is still in a very dark place, he told me. Unresponsive to the girls. This saddens me.
So I think I was ahead of myself, it is not time to get under the carpet yet. Just time to keep it clean on the surface until all of the dust has had time to settle.
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